Health & Wellbeing

Wait Loss

If you are tired of waiting in life for that specific thing to happen before you can get on and live your best life, then I write this article for you as well as myself. Today I am focused on losing the wait(ing), through my journey of losing the weight.

Even if weight is not your issue then I hope you’ll find the content pretty universal and relevant; whether you are waiting for more money, better health, a special person, a life’s purpose, a family, more confidence or like me you are keen to lose some physical weight, we are all connected by a common barrier which is preventing us from living the rich interior life that we deserve.

Today I ask the question, why are we waiting for our external world to change in order to change how we feel internally?

Earlier this evening I was out and catching up with a few friends when one of my girlfriends caught a glimpse of an acquaintance across the room that she hadn’t seen for awhile. She commented to the other girls who also knew her “Holy Crap! She looks amazing! What has she been doing? She looks like she’s lost about 30 kilos” to which another friend replied “She saw a Life Coach, they got into her head and she said it changed everything.”

My girlfriend then turned to me and said “You’re a Life Coach, you need to do that to me” to which I replied, “I need to do it myself” and then I lol’d.

(I didn’t actual lol. I just threw that in there to stir her up because she’s a passionate hater of the ‘lol’. And now I really am laughing out loud, I am soooo funny. lol)

My girlfriend and I discussed it and agreed that we would do it together, not as a client and consultant but as two mates helping each other out. I provide all the tips, techniques and tools that I have and she provides some accountability for me to start practising what I preach.

You see I know what I need to do, and I don’t do it. I even know what I need to do in order to get over not doing the things I need to do, and I don’t do them either.

I believe that all of us know what we need to do to make ourselves happy, healthy and loved and sometimes we don’t do those things.  Sometimes we need help. Not to work out what to do but just to help us allocate some time and effort to an issue in our life. To help us with some inspiration, to help us with some accountability and to help us to acknowledge our unhelpful thought patterns.

I believe that we can successfully achieve any goal on our own, but I also believe, “where’s the fun in that?” Isn’t it an awesome thing to be able to collaborate with someone? Isn’t the juicy stuff of life all about sharing journeys, offering support and swapping wisdoms and ideas? These are the reasons that I am so passionate about what I do, I love helping people…but it’s time to start helping myself as well.

I preach the importance of, “putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on others” all the time, but I’m not doing it. I also preach the importance of “taking it easy on yourself and focusing on the things that you are doing as a beginning point rather than on what you’re not”, so this is where I’m going to start.

Before I started Loving Business I sat with my own business consultant and we talked about the kinds of clients I wished to see and the types of issues that I wanted to focus upon and specialise in. The conversation turned one day to helping people with their weight issues, and I remember saying to him “how could I possibly help others when I’m not doing it for myself? I’d feel like such a hypocrite”.

And then he asked me what was a great question and just one of many great questions that I have thanked him for asking me, he asked “What would be the benefits to your clients be given that this is an issue that you’ve struggling with too? Remember that you’ve also overcome the struggle a few times before, you know the path and the traps for relapsing.”

I came up with a long list of the ways in which my journey and personal struggles could help people, but my fears of being hypocritical shied me away from the idea.

So I’m going to dip my toe in and help someone, not a client but a friend, and then I’ll go from there. But it’s high time for me to lose both the weight and the wait. My intentions are to write down in detail the journey that we undergo and put it into a format of a teaching program; and if it all goes well then I’ll share it with you any of you who are also on this path and interested in what we came up with.

Actually let’s go one step further than that. If any of you would like to be included on this journey as we go along then feel free to contact me via the Loving Business Facebook page and I’ll keep you up to date with what we are doing. I’ll set up a private Facebook group where we can share our stories of giving up the wait no matter what it is that you are waiting for, as well as offer support and inspiration.

A few months ago I wrote an article about How to Help Her Lose The Weight Without Losing Her, I had some great feedback from lots of people that told me they couldn’t read the article because it tapped into issues that they had experienced from others trying to control their appearance and weight. I promised that I would rewrite the article from the perspective of the self for those people.

So tonight this is what I’m doing. The following is also an outline of the conversation I had earlier with my girlfriend when I was explaining to her how we’d go about this all and how we’ll start. I promised her no talk about food or exercise to begin with, no jumping on the scales, and no tough love. We’ll get there, but we all know that stuff. The stuff that we really struggle with is letting go of the wait.

The waiting until we get our perfect bodies before we start to live the life that we really want to live, before we feel like we deserve to be loved and before we feel like we have anything to offer, the wait is the most insidious thing about a weight issue.

So if you are keen to get on with it and lose the wait, no matter what it is that you are waiting for then I hope you enjoy the outline I’ve written below. As discussed earlier it specifically pertains to my weight loss journey but the kernel of each point is transferable.

1. What You Need To Understand Before You Begin

No one can ‘get’ you to do anything, including lose weight. It’s a personal journey that isn’t anyone’s business, so be careful who you speak to about it in the early stages.

Many people struggle with this issue and people will be only too happy to offer you their fears and opinions regarding your journey, keep them at bay. You’ve got enough of your own fears and enough tough love swirling around in your head, you don’t need to invite another critical voice to the party. You know exactly who this person is within your life that I’m talking about, keep them out of this.

2. Why You Are Overweight

Regardless of what you’ve been telling yourself or other people, you are carrying this weight for a reason. Not only are they good reasons but they are awesome reasons. Whether your weight has been a comfort, a protection, a support, a shield, or all of the above, it has been of great value to you.

Whilst weight gain as a coping mechanism has many limits and some obvious health costs, it is not the enemy here. It has done everything that it has been asked to do. It has been your way of coping, and it has done its job. It has also provided you with a sign that something is out of balance in your life.

To effect change you don’t need to unravel the specific reasons as to why the weight has been necessary in your life, you know why. You only need to get to a point where you can acknowledge that those reasons are a part of who you are; therefore they are important, valid and worth loving.

 3. Why Do You Want To Lose Weight?

Years ago I dated a man who thought that it would be helpful to pull at a fat roll on my stomach and tell me “You know something? You would be stunning if you lost some weight”.

Now let us ignore the insensitive nature of these comments and look at them for what they were. They were statements that I allowed because they mirrored my own thoughts about my body. They were also statements projected from a man who had those same insecurities and thoughts about his own body.

His motives limited his ability to offer a solution. He wasn’t able to offer me anything other than critical observations because that was all he knew how to bring to his own struggle.

If there was no way that his criticism and judgement was going to help inspire me then why do I think it appropriate to offer the same bullshit to myself?

Make sure your motives are loving ones. Get excited about moving towards the things in life that bring you joy rather than trying to push away from the things that are frustrating and disappointing you in your current life.

4. Your Weight Loss

Give up the temptation to compare your body and your weight loss journey with others. I mentioned before that your weight is no one else’s business, but the same goes for you.

I get that it gives you a thrill to see a celebrity on the cover of a magazine with their cellulite showing, or to run into frienemy who has packed on the pounds, but for your own sake stop it.

There are never times when we are thriving, feeling awesome and kicking goals in all aspects of our own life that we bother to stop and compare ourselves against the flaws and shortcomings of others. Never.

You’re not a horrible person for judging others, it’s human nature. But it’s not helpful to you on this journey. It is “pushing away” rather than “moving towards”. It is everything that you need to stop doing to yourself.

Judgement brings no joy and no solutions, it only offer’s more of the criticism that you’ve been hurt by yourself. Get rid of it out of you life. Because if you can stop measuring and judging the flaws in others then you’ll soon be able to stop doing it to yourself.

5. Specifically, What Are You Hoping To Achieve?

As an example let’s say that you’ve lamented how you used to be the life of the party and now you’ve put on weight you hold back. You’re less, less willing to go out, and you’ve noticed that you’re now lacking the confidence that you remember you used to have.

In this instance what you are hoping to achieve is to regain your confidence in a social context.

Activity:

I would encourage you to write out a list of the qualities you are hoping to see in yourself and experience once you’ve lost the weight, found the perfect person, have more money, have better health etc.

6. You Are A Mirror

You are the mirror from which you see yourself daily. If you were to start offering a new perspective on how you see yourself and your weight, then doesn’t it make sense that this would start to change how you felt about yourself deep down?

And the great thing is you don’t have to believe the new things that you are telling yourself, there was a time that you didn’t believe the horrible things that you say to yourself now. Your critical inner dialogue implanted itself into you slowly, little by little. So if you can develop hate for parts of yourself just by the things that you think repeatedly, then isn’t it logical that you can develop love for yourself using the same method?

I’ll pick up the example of confidence that I gave above. The first thing I’d like to ask you is; how has your lack of self confidence benefited you? Some possible examples below;

Activity:

Go through your entire list of what you are trying to achieve from the above activity and look at how you being overweight/ill/poor/lonely/ etc has benefited you in those areas. The benefits are there I promise, they are just hard to see when you are so heavily focused on the drawbacks.

The human experience is a dichotomy; near and far, hot and cold, light and dark, good and bad. It’s the whole yin and yang thing, for every drawback you’ve acknowledged about being overweight/ill/poor/lonely etc there are an equal amount of benefits, that’s right…equal. So start looking.  

 Then write out a list of appreciation for those benefits. 

Yin-Yang

 7. Your Positive Aspects

Going back to your list of things that you hope to achieve, I’d encourage you to start looking for where those facets of are currently showing up in your life.

If you are seeing your lack confidence at big parties; then where aren’t you lacking confidence socially? Where are you thriving socially? Who are the people you are with and what are the places where you are completely uninhibited?

Look for those moments; offer appreciation and positive attention to those moments. The day that you find more examples of yourself thriving then of yourself struggling is the day that you’ll tip the balance in your own perceptions.

8. Tell Yourself You Are Beautiful And Why

Once again, you don’t need to believe the words you are saying; because you certainly weren’t born thinking parts of yourself were ugly. You’ve picked that up over time through the practice of saying it repeatedly to yourself; unfortunately it most probably began with the help of some people you love.

So it’s time to get conscious about what you are saying to yourself, start by offering yourself some specific compliments that you can’t dismiss or shrug off. It doesn’t matter how small you start, just start. Pick something to focus on and repeat it until you believe it.

Be as enthusiastic and adoring of yourself and your body right now as you would be if you were living the dream that you’ve envisage for yourself. Once again, you don’t need to believe it, we’re faking it til we make it baby!

Why wait until you lose weight to offer yourself this level of positive attention, appreciation and affection? There is a lot about you that is fantastic right now. You’ve just got to start looking for what these things are. This is impossible to do when you are so heavily focused on the things that you don’t like, so shift your focus and get some balance back into your perspective.

9. You Don’t Need Fixing

You don’t need fixing because you aren’t broken.

You don’t need ‘to do things’ as much as you need ‘to stop doing things’. You need to stop believing that you are anything less than magnificent as you are right now. And this is easily achieved through practice.

Underneath it all you are exactly the same strong, brave, caring, compassionate, loving, smart, sexy, capable, funny and beautiful person who you’ve once known yourself to be. And don’t let me hear you say that you’ve never felt that way about yourself, you have. Because if you hadn’t then feeling the way you do right now wouldn’t be so bad because you’d have nothing to compare it to.

You know who you truly are, and that’s why it hurts so much everyday when you tell yourself that you are less than this.

You don’t need help to ‘get back’ to that person; you only need help to acknowledge that you still are that person. If fact if you were only focused more on ‘who you are’ and less on ‘who you’re not’ then you and I wouldn’t be having this conversation.

10. Losing the Wait

If you really want this, then stop waiting for your outside to change so you can have some peace and happiness on the inside. You can achieve that right now, immediately, and without waiting. Just keep your focus on just how amazing, beautiful and special you are right now and on thinking the thoughts that you perceive you’d have if all of your dreams were true right now.

Much Love & Appreciation, Leanne xx

PS: As mentioned above if you’re keen or you think that a friend would be interested to follow our journey with a focus on wait rather than weight, then hit me up through the Loving Business Facebook page. I’ll create a link for our private group where you’ll have a safe and supportive place to connect with which will hopefully inspire your own journey too.

Also for more Loving Business Articles please see the links below.

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Acceptance, Challenging Beliefs, Family, Relationships, Romantic Relationships

“I’m engaged!”And why I’m looking forward to a less than perfect marriage.

So I have some great news to share with you all! The other night my beloved boyfriend of nearly 3 years surprised me by popping the question, and I said yes!

We’d been to one of the most heartfelt and joyous weddings that I’d even been to just days prior to him asking me to marry him.

And whilst I’d like to think that it was the romance of the wedding that had swept over him the truth be told I think it had more to do with a big fight we had the next day. By big, I mean the biggest we’ve ever had. This fight combined with a quote from Pulp Fiction has led me to one of the most joyous and loving places I’ve ever been in.

In the lead up to the weekend I was stressing out about a decision which I didn’t need to make. Rather than just go along and deal with the problem if it ever arose, I took it upon myself to try and find some hypothetical solutions to what is a hypothetical problem.

In other words I was making shit up in my head, a little trait that I’ve tended towards oh too many times.

After speaking with a dear friend about it, and given our mutual love of Pulp Fiction, I was sent this pic below and then a really profound message.

My new favourite quote from my old favourite movie.  Thanks HS. :)

My new favourite quote from my old favourite movie. Thanks HS. 🙂

“I know what it’s like to get in your head too much, but if you turn it to a point of appreciation it actually puts you back on track to where you are wanting to go, rather than beating your self up for not being exactly where you want to be…and bitch be cool!”

I was really touched by the message, it resonated deeply with me and it wasn’t the first time that the answer to me feeling better about a situation lay in appreciation.  It annoys me so much though, because for heavens sake I know this stuff; I teach it for a living.

But in a weird way me forgetting to adhere to my own advice is great validation for what I do, an outsider is able to bring so much more to a situation, particularly when we are too close to it to see the bigger picture. It’s the whole forest through the trees thing.

The day after the lovely wedding my beloved and I had a stupid fight over something stupid. We had a perfect storm brewing, we’ve had visitors for a few weeks, we’re renovating and this has meant that at the moment our bedroom is in the living room without a wall or a door.

We hadn’t connected, communicated or spent anytime together in weeks and our little wheels fell off. Niggles would arise that we couldn’t talk about because we didn’t have the privacy and then another and another until boom.

Here’s the good news. At the point of boom I did something that I rarely do. I didn’t freak out and get into my head; I didn’t let the boom expand into the reaches of my hypothetical future. I told myself “bitch be cool”.

I told myself “we’ll sort this out, we always do”, I appreciated all that we have together and I chilled out about our relationship not yet being where I want it to be in 5, 10 or 20 years time.

Early on, my last wedded union was riddled with me comparing it to my parent’s marriage and being frustrated at how short we came up. Even after my mother generously shared with me,

“You never saw your father and I in our first five years of marriage, so stop comparing yourself to where we are now after years and years of hard work.”

I wanted it sorted; I wanted to just get to the destination without having to experience the pain of the journey. This is a little habit of mine too from as long as I can remember. Many a time I have managed to avoid the perceived pain of a situation but I’ve also avoided the exhilaration and the joy of it.

So there I was, after the ‘blow up’ feeling closer to my beloved than ever. I’ve finally accepted that one, or two or many blow ups don’t mean that it is all going to turn to dust. My father gave me some fantastic advice (which I didn’t take on board either) on the eve of my first wedding. He said,

“Your mother and I have worked out a balance where 10% of the time I’m impossible to live with and 10% of the time she is. As long as we try and spend most of our time living in that 80% then that’s my definition of a really happy marriage.”

Our new engagement as well as being in a serious relationship again in general, has led me to reflect upon so much within my first marriage. I can hand on my heart honestly say that I never let my ex have his 10%. I was always on his arse about everything.

Fix this about yourself, this annoys me, change this, give me more, take from me less; I just went on and on. But I sure as hell expected my 10% to be accepted and understood with patience and empathy.

With the benefit of hindsight I firmly believe that if I’d just allowed my previous relationship not to be perfect from the beginning then it may very well have developed and blossomed into the relationship of my dreams.

This insight has infused me with great confidence going into a second marriage, great confidence as well as great responsibility. For I now believe that I have a lot more control over how successful this marriage can be then I even dare to acknowledge.

I firmly believe that most relationship problems can be fixed from just one side, even my beloved Dr Phil talks about this when he frequently refers to “it only talking one person to be a hero and step up.”

My previous quest for perfection was always outwardly focused, “you need to fix this”, “you need to change”, “you’ve made me feel this way”. Never once did I come from a position of responsibility and used the words “I am”, “I’m going to love you just as you are without asking you to change for me”, “I’m going to be patient and kind with you because I believe in all that you are”, “I’m going to focus on loving you rather than on being right”, “I’m going to strive for a loving connection, rather than perfection”.

Now I can see how, even unknowingly that my hunt for perfection used weapons of criticism, judgement and control to bring my ex-husband down.

Where as a hunt for a loving connection uses tools of acceptance, understanding and patience to build up.

Moving forward in this relationship these are my great quests,

  • To let our relationship be exactly what it is for now.
  • To remember that nothing remains the same, both in our relationship and as individuals, we can’t help but to grow, expand, change and move forward and sometimes that is going to be frustrating and other times it is going to be awesome.
  • To focus on appreciating all that my new husband-to-be, myself and our relationship is, rather than all that it’s not.
  • And to remember “To be cool!” when things aren’t perfect.

So back to the proposal, fresh from my revelations from the weekend, the Monday just afterwards was my birthday. I take birthdays very seriously, perhaps too seriously, and last year’s was a debacle. I left all of the planning up to my beloved and as birthdays aren’t very important to him, long story short; he managed to drop the ball in a spectacular way…from my perspective anyway.

So this year rather than brace myself for another flop, I positioned myself in a place where I was opened to giving him the benefit of the doubt as well as letting go any expectation that he would do anything special for me. I would just let it be what it was going to be and offer love and appreciation regardless.

I spent the entire day appreciating all of the wonderful things both big and small in my life; and boy oh boy, isn’t that a good recipe for a joyful and happy birthday.

I had a fantastic day, I was high on life and chilled out about birthdays being a part of his 10%, and then the most wonderful thing happened. Genuinely free from any judgement or expectation he absolutely nailed the whole birthday thing and then went on to nail the whole proposal thing.

He’s had the ring for over 6 months and had been waiting for the right moment. I’ve been banging on about the perfect proposal, hot air balloons and those YouTube videos of ‘The Best Proposal Ever!’

I think it was no coincidence that the minute I stopped pushing for everything to be perfect, my life played itself out in ways which were more beautiful than I could have imagined.

So to all you stress heads and perfectionists out there allow me to grace you with these final words, “Bitches be cool!”

Leanne xx

NB: If you enjoyed this article then it would be fantastic if you could share it with a friend if you haven’t already done so, either via email, twitter, Reddit, carrier pigeon or by liking and then clicking the share link on the Loving Business Facebook page. (Share links at the bottom of this article.)

Also for more Loving Business Articles please see the links below.

Much Love & Appreciation

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Acceptance, Challenging Beliefs, Family, Friendships, Relationships, Teaching & Learning

“… I’ll give you something to cry about”: How My Father Taught Me to Surf in The 80’s

My father has always had a deep love for the ocean, and in particular fishing and surfing. These were passions which were passed down by his father and upon becoming a father himself it was his great ambition to continue the legacy on to his own children. And what a lovely wish it was.

The day my father taught me to surf was a gloriously sunny day. It was the mid 80’s and I would have been about 10.

Now I know what you’re thinking,

“1985? You would have been pretty cool just hanging out at the beach wearing your Brian Rochford Fluro-Pink Cossie, smelling of Reef Oil and humming hits from your favourite record Choose 1985. But now you’re being taught how to surf? OMG Leanne, for a 10 year old you were really taking cool to a totally new level!”

Choose 1985.

Choose 1985. Was up there with Summer of ’87 as my favourite compilation. I’m pretty sure this was the first compilation that I ever owned that was by the “original artists” and not some povo knock off’s.

I know right! But unfortunately that’s because you are thinking of this….

Tricia Gill  Photo:Simone Reddingius www.jettygirl.com

Tricia Gill
Photo:Simone Reddingius
http://www.jettygirl.com

 …when my reality was actually this.

Waveski "Goat Boat" Rider Photo: www.travelblog.org

Waveski “Goat Boat” Rider
Photo: http://www.travelblog.org

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against a Waveski but they are called a ‘Goat Boat’ for a reason. It didn’t matter that there was no one around for me to impress (my father always sort out remote and desolate surf spots), I still wanted to be a cool surfer chick.

Prior to the surf lesson I was happily shredding up waves on my Moray Mach 7 Boogie Board. Ah, how I loved that board.

Me in my mind…

mach7

…me in Real Life

stregis-boogie-board

So I do understand that as he watched me mucking around in the foam, my father would have found it difficult to imagine that I was possibly having as much fun as he was out the back on the big waves.

My time had come. He grabbed me and told me that he was going to take me “out the back for a screamer”. It didn’t take me long to work out why he called them “screamers”.

My father fully trained me on the use of the made-for-adults device,

“Make sure you paddle as hard as you can.”

And then he went through a detailed safety induction,

“See this clip, if you get into trouble pull it open to get yourself untied from the ski, but only do it once you’re underwater. Otherwise it might smash you in the head and knock you unconscious.”

And then to round out my training he thoroughly assessed my capabilities,

“You’ll be right, stop being a sook.”

So after my comprehensive instructional it was really time to put all that theory to the test. He popped me upon the “fibreglass beast”, strapped me in and then dragged me through crashing wave after crashing wave by hanging on to my little foot strap thingies (which were wayyyyy too big for me).

Note the foot strappy things.  Pic: www.capacitysports.com.au

Note the foot strappy things.
Pic: http://www.capacitysports.com.au

That was it for me, I’d had enough. I pleaded to go back into the shore but it was too late,

“We don’t quit.”

Once out-the-back there was a moment of reprieve from the set which gave me an opportunity to cough up the 80 litres of sea water I had just swallowed.

And then in a mad attempt to either, distract me, get me excited or build some last minute confidence, he alerted me to the wave he had spotted for me,

“See that one? That big one out the back? Whoa, it’s huge. This one’s gunna be a real screamer. Here it comes”.

Things the detailed training program didn’t cover:

  • A check to see if I weighed enough to lift the nose of the ski by leaning back to avoid it nose-diving.
  • What to do when you don’t weigh enough and the “beast of a floatation device” nose dives.
  • What to do when you slip through the seat belt and the “beast of a floatation device” is about to belt you in the back of the head.
  • How to avoid the razor sharp paddle from smashing into your face whilst undergoing a nose dive.
  • How not to panic as you try to un-strap yourself from the “beast of a floatation device” whilst upside-down and under water.

Whilst underwater, thoughts of my beloved 1st Grade Teacher came to mind. I can’t remember his name but he was awesome. He was young and fit and he was a Surf Life Saver.

He told us heaps of stories about the people that he had rescued and there were two stories that I always remembered. The first one was how he had to shovel the vomit out of people’s mouths with his fingers before he gave them mouth-to-mouth, and the second was how,

“After the struggling part ends, drowning is actually one of the most peaceful ways to die.”

Convinced that this was the end I remembered those wise words and readied myself for my inevitable demise. How poetic it would be, being taken at sea.

Yes even as a youngster I had a flair for the dramatic. Apparently the reality was much closer to me be under for only 30 seconds in about 3 feet of water with my father right beside me.

Never the less, I had now tasted the far and distant fringes of a near death experience. Rather than see my second chance at life as an opportunity to “Carpe Diem” I was instead determined never to take a risk again.

My father knew that if he left me to sit on the shore and ponder the big questions of life, like why Corey Hart wore his sunglasses at night, I would always have a fear of the surf.

Corey Hart: "I wear my sunglasses at night So I can, So I can  Watch you weave then breathe your story lines."

Corey Hart: “I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Watch you weave then breathe your story lines.”

So right about here my father figured he had two choices,

1. Quit

  • He would have to “give in” and let me have my way by leaving me on the shore.
  • He would have to admit that maybe his way of teaching me things wasn’t the best or the only way.
  • He would have to trust that I would overcome my fears to try something out of my comfort zone without being pushed to.
  • He would have to leave the beach that day knowing that I’d had a “loss” that he’d created and hadn’t helped me to overcome.

2. Don’t Quit

  • He would have to continue on and drag me out the back and then literally throw me in the deep in.
  • He would have to trust that he knew what was best for me more than I did in that moment.
  • He would have to believe that he could help me overcome my fears and that I would leave the beach that day with a “win” under my belt.

When you look at those two choices it is no wonder that my father chose the latter, he knew, after many years of throwing me in the deep end, that if he pushed me to persevere that I would get there.  He also knew from experience that with his help I would overcome my fears and learn this new skill.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about our loved ones wanting us to change or else. The two options that my father had perceived above are also underlined by the perceived need for change below.

 1. I Quit = I Need to Change How I Do Things

2. I Don’t Quit = You Need to Change How You Do Things

With the benefit of hindsight my father would now argue that there was indeed an option c) available to him that day. I could have quit my whining a bit and understood what he was trying to do, and he could have quit his disregard for my fears a bit and we could have met in the middle. We both could have changed how we were doing things.

But today I am just focusing on the sentiments of option b) you need to change. And what I am really interested in is when the “or else” part is added to the end.

To be clear I bring with me no judgement of the path my father took, not just because he is my dad and I love him, but because I would argue that the “or else” part offers us a choice. At that point we can either get-on-board with the change that is being requested of us or we can choose to accept the “or else” part of the deal and refuse to participate.

So my father made his choice, whilst I was still in tears after the first wave he grabbed me and back out into the surf we went.

He put me on another screamer, I got dumped and then I was really screaming. This cycle of dump/screamer/screaming would continue to go on. The more I got upset the harder I made it for myself and the more frustrated he became.

My father was stuck; I was obviously ill prepared but he had also greatly miscalculated the risks regarding my chances of failure. He needed me to overcome my fears and he did that the best way he knew how. He created a new fear which he thought was greater than my fear of the surf. So out came the old,

“If you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about”

So here we were, “change or else”.

I had a choice; I could have accepted to have received the “something to really cry about”. Having taken the “or else” option plenty of times growing up, I knew that a smack (it was the 80’s) and a time out on the sand would have been much easier to cop than to have to face my fears. And I also knew that the chances of him “giving me something to really cry about” were minimal in this context, I was 99% sure he was bluffing, which are great odds as a kid.

Through all my carry on, my tears and my pleas not to go out the back any more; I knew that I didn’t want to take the offer of the “or else” that day. I wanted to try and therefore I consented to change and I can’t imagine that I would have faced my fears to that extent without someone beside me who was relentless in their belief that if I stuck at it I would get there.

That day I did catch a wave and not just any wave but a real screamer. Only this time I was finally screaming with joy just as he had hoped I would.

In that moment, the entire struggle was justified by my father and forgotten by me.

So the question I ask today is, “Can we really force our loved ones to change if they don’t want to?” Aren’t they consenting by not choosing the or else part? Just as I did as a kid, is it possible to consent whilst pretending that we don’t?

Now I get that this is a really grey area, I’m not suggesting that it is acceptable to threaten children with corporal punishment to do things against their will. This beach story was nearly 30 years ago and even my father’s stance on smacking children has completely turned around.

But in our society we do threaten children all the time with an “or else you won’t be able to play on your iPad”, “or else you won’t get dessert” etc.

And have you noticed that a lot of the “or else’s” are left really vague? I would argue that this is the case because so often what we mean is,

“you need to do this thing or else, I will get upset”.

We don’t really want to add an actual consequence because we aren’t really interested in following through with our threats. We just want our point of view understood as one that we are really serious about.

It is such a common criticism of parents that I hear,

“No wonder the kid is out of control, they never follow through on their threats”

And I do see parent’s threatening misbehaving children all the time with,

If you don’t behave we are going to pack up and go home right now, I don’t care that we just got here.”

I would argue that this “not following through” is a good instinct, it’s an evolution from the way our own parents reacted by cutting off their noses to spite all of our faces.

Threatening less or ceasing to make threats that you don’t have a desire to follow through on in the first place is what is missing from the new model of parenting.

But equally I get how hard it is not to reach for this old faithful when the kids have spent the day winding you up and pushing your buttons. It is really hard to parent differently from our own parents, it’s hard wired into us.

I also think it is important to ask the question “Do our loved ones really need to change in the first place?” What would have happened if I was left to my own devices that day on the beach? What if I had never experienced a screamer out-the-back? Would I have been any worse off?

For the record to this day I do feel very confident in the water as well as oh so respectful of the power of the ocean, but would that have happened anyway because of my heavy exposure to the beach?

The path that my father took me on did come at a cost; he no doubt would argue that it was a very small cost and this many years later on I would tend to agree with him.

But I have strong memories of always being scared to try new things with him. I was never able to trust that he would listen to me when I told him that I was terrified. But in his defence, I kept coming back for more even though I knew what was likely to occur.

In essence I was saying,

“Dad, I’m happy for you to show me how to do this new thing but you need to stop ignoring me when I tell you I’m scared, or else.”

My father always chose the “or else” option.

I’m guessing that for him it was more important to push me through my fears once I’d started something then to worry about if I’d come back for more down the track. Or maybe he was super confident that his ends would justify his means and I’d keep lining up to be pushed out of my comfort zone.

The ideal is obviously a position of compromise in relationships and a two-way communication style that omits ultimatums. I would also be so bold to suggest, and you’ll disagree with me here but just let me plant a seed,

“that we need to reach a place where we can accept that our loved ones know what is best for themselves no matter their age or their circumstances.”

I know, it’s a hard one to swallow, and it’s a concept that I’ve only just come around to and often I do the opposite with my loved ones. The “I know what’s best for you” drum beats very loudly within me.

But until we reach that place, then I would argue that we can’t get this stuff wrong.

By being able to refuse our loved ones suggestion to change and by having the option to take up the “or else” part we can hold just as much power as our loved ones in that moment.

Or conversely if we chose to act then surely we take on just as much of the responsibility for the outcome as they do…maybe more?

Relationships are growth machines and they constantly plant seeds for us to develop, grow and change; it is because of the magic of the “or else” part, we get to choose the when’s, if’s and how’s.

Leanne xx

NB: To be very clear I am in no way speaking about the forcing of our loved ones to change in ways that are defined as emotionally, physically or mentally abusive. Such behaviour should never be tolerated and you should seek immediate help and support if either yourself or a loved one are at risk. Google “Domestic Abuse Help” in your local area.

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Acceptance, Challenging Beliefs, Friendships, Relationships

What Baby Gammy has Taught Me about the Freedom of Difference

Photo Credit: Damir Sagolj, Reuters.

The other night Four Corners aired a report by Debbie Whitmont about the Surrogacy Business in Thailand with particular respect to Australian families.

The future of surrogacy in Thailand has been well and truly rocked by the alleged abandonment of baby Gammy. For those of you unaware of the story; it was alleged that Gammy, who was born via a surrogate in Thailand to Australian biological parents, was abandoned and left with his surrogate mother due to being born with Down syndrome.

There has been a tremendous outpouring of support for baby Gammy and a continued interest in the case as there is still so much that is unknown. Baby Gammy’s story has raised so many important questions with respect to how children are born and raised in our modern world.

Inspired by baby Gammy; today I wanted to push all of the legal and ethical questions aside to focus on our societies’ perceptions of children with special needs and the freedom that comes with the acceptance of different points of views.

Baby Gammy’s birth has raised many questions in me and made me reflect deeply upon my own beliefs, thoughts, fears, misconceptions and behaviours. I put my hand up to say that “I freak out when I see a child with special needs in a supermarket”. I don’t want to stare or make a fuss, I don’t want to seem uncompassionate or disinterested and I often find myself awkwardly smiling and trying to gauge the response of the parents. I am genuinely unsure of how to respond in a way that doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable or unseen.

Then I got to thinking about how I respond to children without special needs in supermarkets. I never seek the interaction; I interact naturally and when the situation calls for it. If they speak to me I speak back, if they stare at me I smile, if they bump into me I make a joke about it.

I’m also guided by the parents, if a parent is in a bad mood and dealing with a misbehaving child I don’t think,

“Oh I better interact with this family somehow otherwise they’ll think that I am disenfranchising them from our community.”

If I’m coming up an aisle about to walk past a family who isn’t paying any attention to me; I don’t think,

“What am I going to do once I get to them? They are standing in-front of the frozen peas and I don’t want to appear rude by asking them to move. Should I talk to the child first before I ask the parents to excuse me? I don’t want them to think that I don’t care about their child. Maybe I’ll just come back for my peas.”

I would never behave in such an awkward, calculated and conspicuous way; I would just be myself, I would act naturally and I would take my cues from the situation.

This all got me thinking about how we respond to the birth of children without special needs and what would happen if we behaved the same way upon the birth of children with special needs? What if we let the situation and the context dictate our responses?

In the past I haven’t shouted out any loud messages like “special needs children are born perfect as they are!” I’ve no doubt taken pity, offered sympathy and sentiments of commiserations; I’m sure behind closed doors I’ve made broad generalisations about how a special needs child “would ruin your life”. And if those words didn’t come out of my mouth directly then I have definitely allowed them to be spoken in my presence unchallenged.

I can’t speak to the realities of raising a special needs child, and that’s kind of my point. I would argue that none of us could understand the complexities until we were in that situation. I wish to be clear that I am only speaking of these ideals to the context of our collective society.

A close friend of mine gave birth to a normal, run-of-the-mill, healthy child yesterday. When we all heard the news her Facebook wall was littered with sentiments of ‘congratulations’,‘ how wonderful’ and ‘how exciting’.  I wondered if we would share the same sentiments if she gave birth to a child with special needs?

Raising any newborn child is difficult, I don’t wish for the sleepless nights and total upheaval that my girlfriend is about to experience upon myself, but I certainly wouldn’t think it appropriate to offer my sympathies to her. I strongly believe in her ability to be a mother to this child and I know that she has the support that she needs to do a good job.

If in a few days, weeks or months time she comments to me on how difficult she is finding it then my sympathy and support would be offered, but it is in a context of her seeking it. There are so many variables in how someone raising a child with special needs, or without, is going to be able to cope. The family and support networks available, access to medical care, education, practice, experience etc. Surely these things would make the journey of caring for a special needs child different from family to family?

So what if we offered special needs families the option to have us offer our excitement, our congratulations and our joy from the beginning? If it wasn’t appropriate because they told us they were struggling then we could offer them our compassion and support. But ultimately it would be their context and their needs that would guide us rather than our hypothetical projections of what it must be like for them.

I get that in practise this is awkward stuff, this is why I’d encourage us to have those conversations with our friends and families before such a situation arose. We are so good at asking the question “Would you go ahead with a pregnancy if you found out the child had special needs?” but rarely do we ask “If it happened, how would you like me to respond?”

To ease some of the awkwardness we could start having a different type of conversation behind their backs. What if when we were having those discussions with our mutual friends about their ‘situation’; we focused on the positive aspects that our loved ones were not yet able to see? What if we started to tell stories of hope and appreciation rather than pity?

“I heard about Bill and Jenny’s poor bub. Isn’t it dreadful? I can’t even image how difficult it is going to be for them. Their lives are never going to be the same; it must be so stressful for them. I don’t know how they are going to be able to cope.”

 What if we offered something similar to these sentiments as a new response?

 “Yes I don’t think I could cope but who knows how’ll they’ll find it. They are amazing people and I’m sure they’ll surprise themselves. I’m excited for them because if any family can thrive with a special needs child it’s them.

I know this is not the child they were expecting but what a blessing and joy he has been. I’ve already learnt a lot and I’ve had a lot of my misconceptions challenged, and he’s only 3 months old. This child could possibly be the greatest thing that has even happened for all of us, I am really looking forward to being a part of his life.”

We don’t know how things are going to turn out for Bill and Jenny, but the same is true for all families. Their family could break under the strain or they could thrive. As their friend what service do I offer them by focusing only on their potential future struggles? It’s not like if I don’t point out the potential difficulties to them that they’ll never know they exist. Why do we feel like “telling it like it is” is a helpful approach? You can’t “tell it like it is” about the future because there is no ‘is’ yet.

This is a really complex issue and I’m not suggesting that having a child with special needs is something that every one should choose or even consider. I have no judgement about the choices that parents make, every family is different and every set of circumstances is unique. Even as this story about baby Gammy unfolds it is appearing that his life has taken a much better turn than if his biological parents had taken him.

I’m simply suggesting that as a society rather than focus on the struggle as our first point of call that we allow space for an alternative more hopeful viewpoint for families. Surely we can offer optimism to others even in situations that we would find undesirable for ourselves?

Isn’t celebrating the birth of every child something that as a society we would want to aspire to?  Maybe this is a moot point; maybe upon the birth of a special needs child within our sphere of family and friends we would extend our congratulations and appreciation very naturally. Until that moment comes we are only speaking in hypothetical’s.

We’ve all over heard or participated in a conversation with friends and family behind closed doors that has been sparked by a prenatal Down syndrome test. During these hypothetical’s, declarations about “a zero desire to raise a child if the test came back positive” as well as “abortion being the only sensible option” are made. I don’t think for a minute that the decision would be so cut and dry if ever that choice had to be made for real. But maybe it would be, I’m not judging either way.

What is there to judge about people making decisions about what is best for them based on their own personal situation, needs and beliefs? I dream of living in a society that is able to do just that. Because the more capable we are of pursuing our own happiness free from guilt and shame the sooner we’ll stop caring about the choices that others make that are different to our own.

It is the allowance of a different point of view that I am arguing for. When those hypothetical’s come up; I can voice an opinion that for me the experience of having a special needs child may be one I see as difficult and unwanted, but I can also offer an acknowledgement that this wouldn’t be true for every family.

The truth is also that some families are thriving and have found it to be the greatest blessing of their lives. Why not tell those stories with our family and friends in front of our children as well?

It is the blanket belief that we hold as a society hold that “special needs children are always less desirable than children without special needs” that I am rallying against.  For some people the statement may be true, but equally for others it won’t be. So let us only declare which statements are true for us and let others decide for themselves.

Let us create a space where parents with special needs children can celebrate all that their children have enriched their lives with without us projecting our hypothetical fears upon them.

The reason we find it so difficult to muster hope and optimism for others is because we are searching for solutions to what for us is a hypothetical problem. We cannot possibly predict how others are going to rise to challenges or the amount of help and support that becomes available to them until we witness them in the situation.

We can never know the wonders or challenges that lay ahead in the future, just as we cannot know what drives the decisions of others and nor do we have to.

But to allow for a broad spectrum of difference in those decisions, and to offer people real freedom to make decisions that are different to my own which are free from my projections…well that’s a world that I’d like to welcome baby Gammy into.

Leanne xx

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Challenging Beliefs, Forgiveness, Friendships, Relationships, Romantic Relationships

Is it Me? Do I Need to Change?

Hi Leanne,

Last night my brother sat me down and gave me a long list of the faults that he saw in me and now I have no idea what to do with it all. I feel like he read me like a book, being my brother he knows me inside out so he hit on some pretty big home truths.

He said if I didn’t change then he was done with me, that he has reached the end of his patience.

His list was long; I try to be a good person but I know I have a lot of demons and I don’t even know where to begin.

I have my own a family and a partner I love, a job that I’m good at and close friends who I also want to keep happy. 

I’m feeling really hurt and confused but also pretty helpless as I want to fix this but I don’t know how to or if I even should try. I really love my brother and want to do what I can. Where do I start?

Regards,

E.W

Hi E.W,

The reason you don’t know where to start is because this isn’t your journey. Your intuition can’t guide you in this situation because your intuition disagrees with the entire premise that there is anything wrong with you.

The negatives that your brother is seeing in you are his discomforts, they are about him. The uncomfortable feelings that you are experiencing from receiving his message however is all about you. (I’ll explain this part a little later on with an analogy about scruffy hair.)

Now I wouldn’t recommend confronting him about the mechanisms behind why he is striking out simply because it may just add fuel to his fire rather than help. What you need to know is that all he is attempting to do by having this conversation with you is to feel better. The way he has gone about it though clearly needs some work, but ultimately this is his journey. The one thing that you can do which may help him to feel better in the interim is just to listen and be open to hearing what he has to say.

This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with him, or that you have to commit to making any changes. Just listen to him and let him know that you’ve heard him by repeating his concerns back to him. Ask him to clarify anything that you don’t understand and then let him know that you appreciate that he has been able to share this with you and that you’ll have a good think about it.

And this will be the truth, because from the tone in your letter I’m guessing that this is all that you have been thinking about. So this is where I come in, my wish is to help you move past this E.W.

Firstly I want you to understand that the qualities that your brother is seeing in you which are causing him so much discomfort are the qualities that he doesn’t love about himself. The really interesting part is they are also the things that you are unsure about within yourself too. So by attempting to soothe him, the process will bring comfort to your own insecurities as well.

What is going on here is you are a mirror to all that your brother is struggling with. And here’s the thing, if you changed for him as he has asked you to do, and stopped reflecting what he doesn’t like; then he’d go and find another mirror which is identical to what you are reflecting to him now.

He is looking for answers and help to soothe the way he feels about the aspects of himself that he doesn’t like. He wants to find someone with the same “faults” as him who isn’t being hurt by them; he is looking for someone who is using these “faults” to their advantage so that he can follow the same path for himself. He is searching for the answer to the question,

“How do I feel better about myself?”

The “faults” that he has chosen to address in you are things that you don’t love about yourself either. That’s where so much of your pain comes from; it feels like he is telling the truth because you’ve had those same thoughts about yourself too. But it’s not the truth.

The truth never hurts, the truth always feels good. Other people’s truth about us hurt, never our own.

Blog Quote - The truth never hurts

There are probably other “faults” that he’s raised in your lifetime together but you are so disconnected to them that they didn’t hurt so you didn’t pick them up.

Let’s say you’ve got really short hair and your brother who has long unkempt hair said, “I hate the way your hair is so messy and untidy all of the time. You don’t take any pride in the way you present your long hair. It’s embarrassing”.

It’s doubtful that you would take that criticism on board or be hurt by it because it’s not something that you have said to yourself. It’s not an insecurity that you carry because you are so confident in your belief about yourself that you don’t have long hair. It is much easier to pick at a scab that is already there than cut a new wound.

You love your brother because of all you know him to be. You love him because you choose to look past the things about him that he would deem to be “faults”. Now it’s time to do the same thing for you. If you can look past your own “demons” and faults” to love yourself the way you love him; then you’ll show him how to do the same thing for himself as well as heal your wound.

Loving himself is the ONLY thing that is going to give him any relief. There is never a time when we are thriving, feeling awesome and kicking goals in all aspects of our life when we bother to stop and notice the flaws and shortcomings of those we love. Never.

Thriving & Flaws

Sure you can take on board his suggestions if they are things that make sense to you as areas that you wish to grow and improve in. But there is nothing you need to ‘fix’ about yourself because you are not broken. How could you possibly know just how amazing you are in certain moments if you didn’t equally know yourself as not-amazing in those same moments?

You will never be perfect and the great news is you don’t have to be. You will continue to change, develop, improve and grow. But you will also continue to stumble, yearn for more and find the need to try again.

Your brother is seeking your help so that he can stop feeling the way that he does about himself. Not consciously, but deep down he has chosen you because he thinks that you are capable enough to help him. In a really messed-up way he is saying that he believes in you.

It is twisted but the only reason he has struck out at you is because he’s desperate for relief. He’s not a bad person; he just didn’t know what else to do. He really wanted your attention on this and it worked, he got your full attention.

There are positives and negatives to every situation. You simply can’t have one without the other. There are people who have said that prison was the best thing that ever happened to them and there are people who’ve said that winning the lottery was the worse.

So start looking for the positives in all of the “faults” that your brother has pointed out to you. You know what the negatives of those traits has been for you, but what were the positives every time you “let him down”?

And they will be there; if you look hard enough the positives are always there.

Let’s say you didn’t pick him up from the airport when you said you were going to for example. He then felt really let down and like he didn’t matter to you. A benefit may be that next time he’ll make more of an effort to let people know how important things are to him; so you’ve helped him become a better communicator.

There will be many silver linings; I’d say that you could find at least 10 once you start looking for them.

In the meantime saying this affirmation every morning and night is really going to soothe you and diminish the hurt that his words have brought which are spinning around in your head.

“I release the hurt that I’ve been carrying because I know that my brother is struggling right now and his intention is to feel better. The most important thing I can focus upon is how I feel about me rather than the opinions of others about me.

I send him love and I chose to focus on the wonderful aspects of both him and myself. I release myself from the burden of taking responsibility for how my brother is feeling, his emotions and his feelings are his concern.

When negative thoughts about myself pop up I’m going to put my attention to how those perceived negatives aspects of myself have benefited someone in my life.

I’m a good person, I am doing my best and that is more than enough.

Everyday I become wiser, stronger, more open and more loving. I have nothing to protect myself from and nothing to be confused about because I’m clear that mine is the only opinion that matters.

I’m going to follow the path that feels good to me, and if it feels good to me then I know it is my truth and it is going to best serve the people I love.”

And E.W, every time you see your brother you can think quietly to yourself “I don’t have long hair brother, you do. And I love you no matter how scruffy it gets.”

You deserve all the happiness, love and joy in the world. And I’m sending you a big cyber hug right now.

Lots and lots of Love

Leanne Evelyn-Charles xx

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Uncategorized

10 Awesome Dating Tips We Can Take Away From The Bachelor

I love watching the television show The Bachelor.

I’ve realised that for me it is not too dissimilar to how my partner watches football. I have my favourites that I cheer for; I scream at the television when there’s been foul play and I am left disappointed when attempts to score are thwarted.

And it is as an armchair player at home that I offer my words of wisdom to all of the players. The following are the things that I like to shout at the telly and the real world tips we can take away for dating without the cameras.

1. You’re on a TV Show!

Real World Take Away: Context matters

If you are drinking in a bar when you meet a guy don’t be surprised if he doesn’t notice the full complexity of your personality. Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t get how smart and competent you are at work, or how caring and thoughtful you are with your family and friends.

You are in a crowded space, you are drinking, and it’s loud. He is most probably not going to look past how attractive you are to look at to, how much fun you are having and how warm and flirty you are. Not because he is a player, but because it is logistically hard to do otherwise.

Enjoy it for what it is, fun. You don’t need to push against your context by resenting the shallowness of it.

 2. Don’t worry about the other girls!

Real World Take Away: Be Present

He may be dating other women, flirt with another girl at the party after he just met you or have other girls checking him out in a bar; but when he is with you he is with you.

When you are talking with him give him your full and absolute attention. Let go of worrying about anyone else and when he is front of you be in the moment with him. Enjoy your conversation, your interaction and your spark if there is one.

Don’t get caught up by his physical absence, he could be thinking of you when he is on his next date for all you know. So save yourself the energy and don’t concern yourself with it.

Worrying about other girls early on sends our self-esteem the message that he’s the more valuable person in this interaction. Remind yourself of just how much of a catch you are.

3. He gave you a rose for a reason!

Real World Take Away: Stop looking for more signs that he’s into you after he just gave you a sign.

If he tells you that he likes you; that he enjoys your company and he’s looking forward to getting to know you better then believe him. Chill out, relax and trust that it will unfold organically.

And if it doesn’t then he’s not the one for you, so you will be free to move on.

4. Make friends with the other girls!

Real World Take Away: Put your eggs in more than one basket.

New relationships are exciting, whether they are romantic or not. Developing other new relationships whilst you are dating is a great way to mitigate your emotional risk.

This could be a simple as saying good morning to strangers on your way to work, flirting with your local barista, or following through on a planned catch up with someone you clicked with at a party. Create interactions that put a spring in your step.

Don’t let a text message from your new love interest be the biggest highlight of your day. Let it be one of many that make you feel giggly inside.

5. That’s not his mansion or his boat!

Real World Take Away: The life you are currently living is going to look similar to the life that you would live together.

When we are first dating it is so easy to get caught up in all of the exciting and superfluous stuff around our new beau.

We all love to fantasise and that’s great. But if he doesn’t offer you a rose, then don’t morn the loss of this fantastic and glamorous life that you dreamt you could have had together.

He’s just a guy made from the same flesh and blood as you, you would have had similar frustrations with your new Bachelor as you have experienced with all of your ex’s.

The level of glamour and adventure that you live in your own life is totally up to you.

6. Keep your Crazy in a Bottle!

Real World Take Away: Not because you don’t wish to scare him off. I say this to mean if your insecurities are popping up; then be open and let him know rather than unleash upon him out of context.

Give him something to work with; if you are feeling jealous then let him know about it. He may be empathic and supportive or he may not be, but at least you’ve given your relationship the opportunity to see how you navigate these issues together.

If he was tired and frustrated from work for instance, wouldn’t you prefer him to be open with you about it then take it out on you in a confusing context?

7. Be Yourself!

Real World Take Away: You are only one good date away from never dating again.

Dating is a fantastic opportunity to get to know lots of new people who will help you to define what it is you are looking for in a mate as well as your life. Being yourself is going to enrich this process, being what you think your new mate is looking for is only going to take you further from where you want to be.

The best way to be yourself is to be in the moment. As best you can try blocking out your fears and expectations of the future, and your regrets and hurts from the past.

8. He’s not your boyfriend!

Real World Take Away: Respect the men you are dating as people who are on their own journey that has happened to intersect with yours.

Things that you both thought were absolutes in life may now change and shift because of the new information that you have brought to each other. All you need to worry about is right now is, are you enjoying his company?

Dating is nothing more than a ‘toe dip’ of a relationship. By the time you both decide to dive in headfirst your dynamic is going to be very different. So relax and try not to keep a scorecard or a checklist early on. Try not to judge him on paper or from what he or anyone else tells you about him.

Let it develop naturally over a period of time that is reasonable to you, what’s the rush?

9. It’s not his loss! It’s your gain!

Real World Take Away: You were really keen on him but he didn’t give you a rose. It’s not because you’re a lousy prospect, it is because he has seen something about your interaction that you’ve ignored.

He get’s that there is a better match for him elsewhere, and if it’s true for him then it’s true for you too. He has helped you dodge a bullet by ending it before things got serious.

10. This is not the end!

Real World Take Away: Finding Prince Charming and marrying him doesn’t end with a happily ever after in real life so why do so many of us buy into the fairy-tale?

Whether you make it through every rose ceremony and he proposes or you are booted off the show in the first episode, your romantic journey is still going to continue.

Have you ever hit a big goal or milestone in your life and then everything has been smooth sailing from there on in?

Your relationship with your Bachelor is going to have just as many ups and down and just as much good and bad as your current dating life. Now please don’t let me hear you say “Well at least I’ll have someone to help and support me through those challenges, I won’t be on my own.”

You’re not on your own right now; I’d say there are at least 10 people in your life who truly and deeply care about you. Start paying attention to all that you have rather than all that you don’t.

After all, isn’t this the most precious gift that you can offer to your Bachelor? Who wouldn’t want to be with a girl who is appreciative of all that she has, because once the shine wears off you’ll need to make that same effort to appreciate him too.

Enjoy the journey no matter where you are at because your enjoyment of the final rose ceremony will be fleeting. Finding and falling in love with your own Bachelor is a milestone, it’s not your end game.

Leanne xx

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Acceptance, Challenging Beliefs, Friendships, Relationships

Why I No Longer Think My Sister Is Perfect

I have long thought that my sister is perfect.

I was going to provide you with a big long list of reasons why she is awesome, but she doesn’t know I’m writing this and she would rightly crack it if she saw that list posted on the World Wide Web. But for the point of the story all you need to know is that I think she’s perfect. Perfect because of the person that she is and because of the type of life that she is living.

So here’s why I no longer think she’s perfect, the 1st reason is because she’s asked me not to; numerous times.

The 2nd reason is, that to call her perfect diminishes the hard work and tough choices that she has made in her life. Her success and happiness hasn’t just happened; she’s put great thought, focus and effort into the type of life that she wants to live and the type of person that she wants to be.

The 3rd reason is that to call her perfect unknowingly makes a judgement upon any struggles or hardships that she may have faced in her life.

A few years ago I caught up for lunch with my best friend and a mutual friend of ours who I hadn’t seen for over 15 years. He had always had a bit of a crush on me and had placed me on a pedestal; which if I’m being honest, I thought was lovely.

He had me on a pedestal because he didn’t know me that well; it is easy never to see the faults of someone you don’t really know. I knew that he wasn’t getting to see the imperfect aspects of me, and truth be told I was deliberate about keeping him at arms length in order to maintain the charade.

As a youngster I always thought that this was a great dynamic to have in my life. To have someone who looked up to me and who thought that I was much more capable than I thought I was.

What I didn’t realise until that lunch was; there was another side to being adored falsely.

It was a lot of pressure for me to live up to, but the heartbreaking side was the realisation that every time he recognised perfection in me, he measured a fault in himself.

When we recognise aspects of people that we admire, that we also see in ourselves, we never refer to them as perfect traits. We don’t use that word because we know from personal experience that we have also exhibited the opposite of that trait in our lifetime.

Perfection is a statement that says that there is no other side. That there is only success without failure, there is only compassion without cruelty, there is only good times without the bad and there is only love without fear. Perfection isn’t real, so holding someone to ideals that don’t exist is never going to bring service to them and it certainly isn’t going to bring good feelings for us.

So there I was at this lunch, with two people who saw me in completely different lights growing up. One thought I was perfect and the other knew me to be an obnoxious, insecure, overconfident dickhead. And my realisation was that I’d take the latter any day.

My best friend knowing all of my flaws and weaknesses had offered me an incredible and loving freedom. She got that I wasn’t perfect which made her appreciation of the great aspects about me even sweeter. She valued me for me, the good as well as the bad.

That lunch immediately had me thinking about how it must have felt for the people who I have placed on a pedestal in my own life.

And there have been so many, I am a serial offender. My father said to me when I was about 10yrs of age

“The problem with you is that you compare your weaknesses to other people’s strengths”.

Not only was he right but it has been a pattern my entire life and one I only recently worked out was connected to my ‘placing people on a pedestal’ thing.

I always thought that the act of being completely one eyed about someone was a loving one, but I now see that it’s not. It offers nothing but fear, and can do nothing other than bring about a feeling of unworthiness for the adorer and a lot of pressure and unloving attention for the adoree.

This brings me to the 4th reason I’ve stopped seeing my sister as perfect, she doesn’t need that discomfort in her life. She needs me to understand that she’s not perfect, and to love and appreciate her regardless. And here’s the kicker, I can’t love and appreciate her wholly unless I love myself like that.

This leads me to my 5th and best reason to stop seeing her as perfect; because it enables me to start seeing the perfect aspects within me in spite of my perceived weaknesses.

Who have you got on a pedestal?

Leanne xx

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