Please forgive the sleazy pic above, you’ll understand why it’s there in a minute. But for now I want to tell you about the most charming man that I met last night at a local business owners meeting.
He was about 6’4, fit, handsome and had a nice sense of style. He was articulate, successful at his job, engaging and energetic. But the real charm came from his warmth, openness, honesty, intelligence and humour. You could just tell that he came from a really lovely family and would have lovely friends. My instincts even said ‘very healthy relationship with his mother’, which is a huge tick in my book.
I didn’t ask if he was single but let me tell you he is exactly the type of guy I’d want to introduce to my single friends.
And here’s where it got interesting. I started to pour through a list of my single girlfriends and I couldn’t find a match. I wrote all of my friends off as either being too picky, too closed off or too much of game players.
These are my friends! These are people who I love and adore and who I know the full complexity of. These are people who I know to be loyal, caring, smart, open, funny, and beautiful in the context of our friendship.
But in the context of the romantic relationships that I’ve seen them all in recently, I only know them to be uncommitted, fussy, critical, closed off, unreliable, protective, pessimistic or just not ready for anything serious.
Am I actually saying that I think this charming stranger that I met last night is too good for my friends? Um, yes I guess I kind of am.
I knew that they’d either mess him around or write him off as being too nice of a guy. The idea of setting them up felt like giving them the keys to a brand new Ferrari whilst knowing that they are rubbish drivers.
This got me to thinking about my own life as a single in her 30’s. Is this how my friends saw me? Would they not recommend me to a charming stranger? I asked them and they said yes. Ouch!
For most of my single years I wasn’t ready to commit to a grown up relationship again, even though at times I pretended that I was; the truth be told I was just really scared. So I either cut myself off from dating altogether or I ‘dated’ the types of guys who weren’t interested in a commitment either. But the kicker was…I then felt let down, hurt and upset by their lack of commitment.
That last bit is the topic for a whole other blog; but my point is the type of partner that my friends saw me being wasn’t indicative of who I knew I really was. I presented as a game playing commitment-phobe because they were the parameters that my relationships were bound by. To offer anything other within these relationships would seem either ridiculous or desperate to the other party involved.
Actually I did just that one evening. I met a nice young fella and we attempted to have one night of passion but due to some logistical issues (we couldn’t find a spot to do ‘it’) it didn’t happen; so we rescheduled to ‘catch up’ the next night.
It had been AGES since I had participated in anything slightly romantic so I lovingly prepared a candle lit dinner for us both, soft music and all.
Of course I knew that it was going to make for a really awkward prelude to some even more awkward sex, but I thought it would be a) funny and b) nice.
It was soooo ridiculous! We had dinner for goodness sake! We had zero in common and zero interest in talking to each other. After dinner I segued with, and I kid you not,
“So…..you want to see my room?”
We’ve since become good mates and we still laugh about it whenever I see him. I do a whole routine at parties where I re-enact our dinner scene that is hilarious! But I digress.
Just prior to meeting my current partner, and not even knowing that I did it, I rebranded myself. When I decided that it was time to get back into the game I cut off contact with (well most of) the pseudo-relationships that I was involved in. And more importantly I stopped talking to my friends about either my lack of a love life or my messed up, disappointing, drama filled ‘relationships’.
When my single girlfriends and I got together, actually when I caught up with any of my friends the topic of conversation would invariably re-enact that scene from the Bridget Jones movie,
“So how’s your love life?”
One day rather than regale with stories from my brief and dysfunctional dalliances or declare that I had nothing going on; instead offered something a little more like this,
“I’m not seeing anyone right now, I’ve ceased contact with the Fireman and the General (there were always code names). I’m ready to get back into a loving relationship; it’s time. I’m looking forward to offering all that I have learnt to someone really special, I’m ready for a really spectacular relationship.”
I would then go on about the specifics of what I had learnt and about what I intended to do differently. I never spoke about what I expected from my future mate, only about what I was excited to offer. Without knowing it I was rebranding myself as a person who knew how to be in a spectacular relationship.
It had never occurred to me until now just how much the rebranding brought to me. Of course there were a few other things at play but in essence, I had simply asked for what I wanted and started behaving in way that aligned with that request.
From that point on I actually had fantastic men seemingly coming out of the woodwork, and they were all introductions from friends. The interesting point is that these men were not actually in the woodwork, I was. They were there all along; I just wasn’t able to see their value because I wasn’t letting it in.
I met the man I now share my life with through friends at a party. Where this rebranding idea gets really interesting is with regards to what his mates had to say about me.
I knew some of his friends from high school; I couldn’t recall a single conversation that was longer than hello and goodbye but as it is when growing up in a small town we all knew of each other. When my now beloved mentioned to his mates at the as party that he was sweet on me and wished to get to know me better, his best mate said
“Mate, I wouldn’t even bother. She’s massively uptight and a bit of a snob.”
That was an impression that was garnered over 20 years ago!
Upon reflection I’ve learnt two massive things;
1. How you treat people matters in ways that we can never be aware of. The type of person that we are in all of our relationships is important.
Not because our friends will introduce us to people, although that is a nice perk. But because if our nearest and dearest don’t think we deserve someone wonderful, why would we?
The aspects of ourselves that we get to live everyday are the aspects that we come to define ourselves by.
2. Even when we live a life that is completely contradictory to the one that we know is our truth; as long as we believe ourselves to be more, love will always find a way.
How is the life that you are living lining up with your own personal truth?